I see some addictions as being equivalent to a spectrum disorder in some ways, yet some, such as those involving alcohol or drugs carry the no return point, that once you cross a certain line, it is very difficult to back into being a casual user.
Any addiction can be serious and impact multiple aspects of one’s life in tragic ways, so I don’t want to implicate a certain addiction as being worse than another one. There are addictions to smartphones, technology, internet activities, gambling, alcohol, other drugs, porn and other sexual behaviors, food, thrill seeking behaviors, the list goes on.
I spent a great deal of my mental health career dealing with addictions. My current career in law enforcement exposes me as well. I have also made it clear that I have had family members with addictions too.
You have many schools of thought about addiction too – with some seeing it as an illness and some seeing it as a choice. I, without doubt, hold the conviction that it is a type of illness.
So what is addiction in the simplest sense?
The biggest sign that I see of having an addiction above the how often, how much, etc. is the aspect of using despite multiple negative consequences. These can be social, physical, legal, and even emotional – with things like shutting others out and changing life patterns in order to support the addiction. Continuing the behavior despite negative consequences may even mean continuing the destructive behaviors despite someone who has the addict’s best interest at heart telling him or her to change. Also, the addict may not see the behavior as being destructive or may minimize it. However, despite family members attempts to educate the addict about how his or her behavior is destroying his/her life or those around him or her, the addict becomes well aware of the destruction but the addicted mind will convince the addict that he or she must continue the behavior (not to mention any physical withdrawal symptoms that often lock the addict into a physical need to continue the behavior without physical consequences, up to and including hallucinations, pain, and even death.
At some point, the priority for the addict becomes the thing that he or she is addicted to. In other words, an addict might say, “my family comes first”, or God, health, job, or whatever, but what does the person’s behavior show? The addiction becomes the number one priority.
We often think of addiction in terms of behaviors, but, as mentioned above, there is a thought component as well. The addicted mind tells the person things that often justify continued engagement in the addictive behavior. “I will change later…I know people worse than me…I have been able to do this before and have no problems…others are overreacting…I will stop once this or that happens.” The addict may also blame the past, or current life circumstance (and may even have some justifying factors for dealing with some real life suffering).
There is not a one size fits all formula for family or loved ones to deal with helping the addict. I have seen family members take out all of there retirement for the most expensive of treatment, only to have the addict get out and revert back to destructive behavior a few days later. Some family disengage to be able to handle a possible inevitably bad outcome. Some family members or loved ones feel it important to do some actions to try to get the addict to change or may try to rescue the addict to avoid feelings of guilt for not having done enough. As no one is a perfect parent, spouse, child, friend or whatever, it is easy for family, loved ones and friends to blame themselves.
There is rescuing and enabling that occur. These are behaviors performed to help the addict out, in hopes that he or she will change, but which may unintentionally result in the behavior continuing on as the behaviors may have only delayed the addict of the consequences which he or she may have needed to face, or will eventually face.
There is also the idea of hitting rock bottom before some addicts change. The only problem is, sometimes rock bottom is death.
And how do you not rescue someone if you know that he or she may be homeless or have to face something that may lead to worse consequences than if you didn’t step in and try to rescue the person? There are no guarantees here.
There is always hope as long as someone is breathing. Watching an addict fall into a spiral can be very painful. It can also take a toll on the loved ones, which is why I often tell family members and people close to the addict to make sure that they have their own support system.
Sometimes the only answer is acceptance. Actually, acceptance is needed more often than not.
Knowing that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Instead of blame, shame or trying to control the addicts behavior, sometimes you must simply be there, but at an arms distance away to support any positive changes, but not reach your hand too far so as not to let the addict pull you down with him or her. Make sense? Sometimes you have to totally step away and let the addict hit rock bottom and figure out things for himself/herself (and yes there is risk here).
I don’t see addicts as bad people. I know of many good people with addiction. It is powerful. I do find myself viewing it in terms of an illness. I have seen those cry when told there liver is failing and promising themselves and others of change – only to see the person back in the ER later. Is it a habit? Well if you were told you were going to die or lose those close to you if you keep biting your nails, I guarantee that you would stop. But there is something more powerful going on here that attempts to pull the addict or keep the addict in a cycle of destruction. That is how I know that it is more powerful than mere habit – it is illness. I can’t emphasize enough that most addicts are not bad people, but people with a serious problem who need love, support, and connection, in order to break the chains of addiction and live a new life or recovery.
In other words, I know that anger can’t always be helped, but also remember compassion.
If you or someone that you care about is battling an addiction, remember what I said here in this post – but also remember that you need to consult with a professional or a support group.