Do you know people that are married to their beliefs? Have you encountered or know someone that is convinced that his or her political views or religious views are facts, 100% the only way and the right way to think or view life? Do you also have some rigid beliefs that you hold as fact?
We “marry” our beliefs, and we are “married” to some aspects of ourselves – such as: our abilities, our socioeconomic status, our talents, and even our job roles.
Suppose there is a woman who has ran most of her life, who identifies herself as being a runner, and is widely known as being a great runner. Running is what she does and who she is. However, one day, tragedy strikes, as she becomes involved in a car accident which results in her losing a leg. Who is she then? Hopefully, having identified as being a runner is not the only thing that she holds as her identity. Also, hopefully she could learn to redefine herself and find value in whatever her new way of living is. She will need to find meaning, purpose, and enjoyment in something else (but maybe recognize that if she over identifies with some other role, she once again risks feeling empty and lacking purpose, should something happen to her ability to fulfill that new role).
I noticed that when individuals who hold certain professions retire, that individuals in these professions have a high rate of depression and even death. These jobs are typically jobs where someone strongly identifies with the role of their job title. These people were doctors, police officers, and a few other professions that had one thing in common: the job title was who they are/were. Think about it, a police officer doesn’t say “I work for the city police department”, instead the person typically proclaims, “I am a police officer”. A doctor doesn’t say, “I work for the medical building connected to the hospital”, the person states, “I am a doctor”. What happens when we lose that role we are so attached to? A Buddhist might say that attachments cause suffering. Yet, as true as that may be, sometimes we need those attachments – those skills, abilities, roles, and people in our lives. Sometimes we choose to attach, despite the knowledge of the risk, that whomever or whatever that we are attached to, eventually will bring on emotional suffering, if-and-when that: person, animal, life role or whatever, is no longer a part of our life. I recently had lost a dog to cancer. It was a painful emotional experience of tremendous grief that I don’t really want to go through again. Yet, I adopted another dog – a puppy, which was adopted from a shelter. It was worth it to me for the experience of rescuing and raising another dog, even despite knowing, that someday, there will be pain again from yet another loss.
When we love someone, it may be worth it to have a strong attachment, as long as we realize that we will experience great pain in the loss of that attachment. We must also be careful that we don’t over-identify with just one or two things, so that we can redefine ourselves should life take away the things we love, or the aspects of ourselves that we have identified with.
I admit that I used to be married to psychological theories and certain other ideals that I am now more flexible about. I now try to keep in mind that facts change, that life changes, and that my beliefs may be different in the future. I also recognize that other people are going to hold tight to their beliefs, but that doesn’t mean that I have to succumb to pressure to “marry” their beliefs either.
This past year had been a year of many changes for me, due to many roles changing, along with people whom I cared about, going out of my life. As I get older, I also experience some loss of abilities, due to health reasons. I have had to go through (and still am in) a grief process over some recent losses of people and even some physical abilities that I possessed. Now, I have to re-define myself and adapt. I will save the topic of grief for another day.
Try to be flexible in your thinking. If nothing else, be tolerant of others beliefs, as long as the people with other beliefs don’t push their convictions, or bully you into thinking your way of thinking is wrong, and as long as they don’t infringe upon your or other people’s rights. I feel very uncomfortable whenever I am around people during times when they bring up political beliefs that I disagree with, when the people speak adamantly (and with authority) that their political perspective is the only right way to see the world.
Think of an ability that you have (a talent, skill, hobby) and imagine what life would be like if it were no longer in your life – gone. What would you do instead? How would you find meaning, purpose, and enjoyment? How would you redefine yourself? Sometimes it can be challenging and yet interesting to consider this question, “Who would I be if the things around me that I cherish were gone?”