I don’t know about you, but I get really upset when life takes a turn and doesn’t go how I want it to or even when it goes in a direction that I am not expecting, especially when the direction it goes destroys goals that I had and takes away a sense of peace that I worked hard to achieve. Most of us want some level of control in our lives. When life brings discomfort or pain, we often resort to what I call the ACE agenda. In my philosophy, it stands for Avoidance, Control, and Escape.
Before I talk more about the ACE agenda, I want to mention that the ACE Agenda captures much of the why we get into specific behavioral patterns that don’t serve us well in the long run, and may bring about suffering to ourselves or to those around us. In other words, life brings us pain, and we sometimes inadvertently add more pain on top of it by the decisions we make.
Our nature is that we tend to move towards the things that we think will bring us enjoyment, while simultaneously moving away from things that bring us pain. Sometimes in doing this process, we move towards temporary happiness. Once I get that new TV, computer, lover, etc – I will be happy. Yet none of these things that we may believe will bring us lasting happiness ever do, because: people change, things break, people leave us (and die), and life often craps on us (seemingly). Further, sometimes the very things that we think will bring us happiness, end up bringing us pain. And some of this we can’t avoid. We know that by getting that new puppy, someday it will get old and die. We may avoid an uncomfortable conversation with someone, only to allow the person’s behaviors to continue impacting us negatively. We may appease the screaming toddler with purchasing a toy, to avoid embarrassment in the store, only to covertly encourage more temper tantrums later.
We often Avoid (the A in ACE agenda) situations that cause us anxiety, even if they may be healthy. We may avoid a family function or a social event, for fear of having a panic attack. We may avoid a walk or exercise, because we are not motivated and find an excuse of a good show on TV.
We Control (the C in ACE agenda), things that are outside of our control. For example, when we try to talk sense into others. We try to do actions that will bring about an outcome that we want to happen, and then get very upset when our efforts are sufficient to produce that outcome or if the opposite outcome happens. Control can even take the form of rage, yelling, aggression, or any action that we use to try to change others or the world around us.
We Escape (the E in ACE agenda) – this may take different forms depending on the person – we may escape with sleep, drugs, alcohol, technology, withdrawal or simply by not taking healthy risks or even joining in on healthy behaviors.
The hard road is often to face our fears. To take healthy chances. To force ourselves to go outside of our comfort zone – if it can lead to growth or at least resilience. This may mean doing things such as: having difficult conversations, to stop rescuing the addict that we love, to face an unhealthy risk that may result in rejection or anxiety, and to take healthy actions, even if we don’t feel up to the challenge.
Doing behaviors that are different than what we are accustomed to doing is difficult. Our old behaviors may have became so ingrained that we easily can get locked into destructive behavioral patterns.
Awareness of this process or awareness of destructive behaviors isn’t sufficient, but is a first step. About every smoker, drinker, substance abuser, etc. knows that the behavior is harming himself/herself or those around him or her. The hardest thing to do is to recognize, acknowledge and then start steps to change and keep at these. Once on the road of change, whenever you feel yourself backsliding, climb back on the healthy path. As I mentioned above already (and can’t emphasize it enough), healthy change will feel uncomfortable because we are not used to it.
Spend some time identifying patterns that you need to change. After you have identified some behavioral patterns that need to change, don’t wait and start making changes. You may need support and encouragement from someone else. Make a similar list of things that you cannot change, that are outside of your control (things you must accept or deal with) through finding healthy coping mechanisms or obtaining support.