I used to be extremely passive. If I was “walked on” too much, I would go into an almost aggressive mode of appearing threatening. Basically, I had two modes: passive (most of the time) and aggressive (rare instances where I couldn’t take being walked on any more).
Now, I am far from where I want to be with being assertive, but I have improved so much. I can now choose to have difficult conversations (even though it doesn’t feel totally comfortable yet). I can tell other people directly how I feel without too much concern about whether or not the person that I am talking to will no longer like me.
You should love yourself enough to know that you deserve to be treated with respect. Further, it is important to let go of the need to be liked by everyone. It feels very good when I have moments that I can be proud of myself for speaking up when needed. It feels good to have a difficult conversation (not at the time, but afterward) knowing that I didn’t “sugar coat” the truth, that I will not have regrets about saying what needs to be said.
The hard truth is that people will respect you more if they know that you will tell them straight, the things that need to be said: to protect you, or enforce boundaries, or prevent further conflict or issues.
It is important to note that this is not suggesting that you deliberately try to hurt someone’s feelings, humiliate someone, or “let them have it” in a way that infringes on the other person’s rights or own need for safety and security. Instead, this is a post about being able to be honest, direct, and provide feedback that is productive, have uncomfortable conversations to evoke needed change, and to be good in a role of being a good supervisor, coworker, parent or whatever that role may be.
Assertiveness takes practice if you are not outgoing, if you have difficulty being direct, and if you have problems with communication in general. Try finding someone who you trust to give you feedback and practice being assertiveness. Then, look for opportunities to assert yourself. Just like any other new behavior, it will feel awkward at first. In the long run, you will be proud of yourself for having this skill.