The best goals are the ones that lead you to a more meaningful life. Goals can also get in the way of living – as most goals are oriented towards the future. If we get too caught up in the future, we can miss what is going on right now. The same holds true if we focus too much on our past experiences.
A way to look at it is like this:
If you were on your deathbed and you looked back on your life, and could go back and do things over, what would you do differently?
Interestingly, many of us “do” too much, as we are often too busy (or stressed) to fully enjoy the people and things that we would rather focus on.
If most people on their deathbed could go back in time, they would want to be able to spend more time getting closer to the people and aspects of their lives that they love. In the lives of the lonely, many people would want to make more connections and be a light to others by expanding their circle of support.
One big problem with goals is that most people who establish goals in therapy or on New Years Eve, don’t look that deep. Goals are often subconsciously made as a way to stick to our rigid agenda. Our goals are typically to acquire the people, things, or accomplishments, that we feel will make us happy, or to eliminate things that we believe would make us happier given their absence. We set goals such as: having more possessions, being admired, losing weight, looking great so others could admire us on social media, buying something new, etc. These goals usually result in spending too much energy trying to eliminate our suffering instead of working towards better health and mental well-being.
Stepping outside of the therapy context, what if we ditched most of our agenda? What if we accepted life as it comes? What if we worked towards making meaningful experiences in the here-and-now, more than we do in focusing too much on the past or future?
The gift that we often overlook, is the time that is in front of us right now, and it is sometimes a preciously ignored gift. No matter what bad situations are going on right now, try to grab some value in the moment. Ask yourself, “who do I need to be showing love to?” and then do so. Ask yourself, “What are the most important things to me right now?” Then, think about if that is what you are displaying with your time and energy. If there is no one is in your life, bring someone in – just keep in mind love always brings with it the risk of pain. Many benefits come with risks. Yet, in order to have some of the most beautiful experiences in life, we must take risks. In other words, if you don’t have a “family”, you can create a non-blood-related family (a pseudo-family), out of the people in your life that care about you.
Western society members spend much time constantly being busy. By being busy, I am not talking about chores and taking care of necessary life responsibilities. When I speak of us being too busy, I am talking about the moments people spend in doing activities that take time away from the people and aspects of our lives that we value, such as: spending too much time in front of electronic devices, working on job-related activities at home, and not being fully engaged in loving conversation or participating in kind, loving behaviors. The action of being fully present also means not spending as much time doing behaviors such as criticizing, analyzing, correcting, and lecturing to those whom you love.
Here is an old Zen story (often it contains a tiger or tigers, but this one substitutes lions):
The Lions, Cliff and Strawberry Parable
Long ago, in a mountainous region far away, there was a wise man who had been out walking with a loaf of bread in his satchel. He passed by a cave and then quickly recognized that there were two lions that were walking out of the entrance.
The lions gave chase to the man. Thinking quickly, he threw the loaf of bread in hopes that the lions would focus on it, and not on eating him. The bread was immediately devoured, and the lions continued after him.
He then came to the edge of a cliff, very high up with nothing but rocks, which appeared to be miles below him. With no options left, he jumped, but was fortunate enough to grab some vine-type roots which extended out from the side of the cliff. The lions above stood waiting to devour him if he was to be able to climb up.
To make matters worse, some rats started to chew on the vines (talk about bad luck). He also noticed that below him, was rocks, so far down that he would die from the fall.
Just then, he noticed a large juicy strawberry in front of him.
Still holding with one hand to the vine, he used another hand to grab the strawberry.
He ate the strawberry savoring each bite while thoroughly enjoying it.
Commentary:
In the above parable, at the time the man was hanging from the vine on the cliff, about to fall to his death, there are a few observations that I would like to point out.
What would you have done?
Some people would focus on the past, perhaps with self-blame, “I should have not been out walking near a lions’ den. I should have been more aware.” “I should have divided the bread in small pieces and threw each piece off in a different direction”.
Some people would focus on worry about the impending doom of the future and think thoughts along the lines of, “I wonder if the rocks below will smash my body like a bug when I hit bottom?”. Some people would be in so much of a panic that they would just be consumed with panic and may even let go.
We don’t know what the man’s thoughts were. Yet, we know by his actions that he wasn’t consumed with the past, worry of the future, nor did he immediately give up. He held on with one hand and enjoyed what little good was in front of him, the strawberry. He had taken the hand he was dealt and made the best of the situation.
When you think about it, we are all in the stage between birth and death. We can take each moment and spend the precious moments focusing on the past horrors, or worry about future calamities, or perhaps give up. The other option is that we can do something else, we can decide that we are going to make the best of each moment and take some pleasure or meaning from whatever we have in front of us.
Assignment: Tell those that you care about just how much that you care about them. They, or you, might not be around tomorrow.
Commitment: I will “stop and smell the roses”, I will take notice of precious moments and be fully present, practicing mindfulness until it becomes my nature to be absorbed in life around me. The demons of the past are gone – in the rearview mirror (this includes the bad things that happened to me as well as the things that I have done that I cannot undo). The future is not yet. I need to focus on the positive that I have right now, no matter how small it may be.