The word or term “mindfulness” has become increasingly popular. There are even apps that are growing in popularity that promote mindfulness and meditation. Mindfulness is considered a form of meditation.
You may be thinking, “Well, meditation is boring.” Some of you may have a mind that is like a curious cat – it is restless and wonders around without discipline. The idea of sitting quietly may seem unfeasible. Yet, mindfulness can be practiced virtually anywhere. It is both a practice and process (I call it a practice instead of a technique because it requires repeated practice until it becomes second nature). This is a practice that will combat the ACE agenda that causes us trouble (see my last post). What is that ACE Agenda again? That is our need to Avoid (pain, discomfort, taking healthy risks, going outside our comfort zone), our need to Control (try to change things that we have little to no control over) and Escape (through sleep, intoxicants, bury ourselves in work, absorbing ourselves with the internet, etc.)
Further, above all else, mindfulness helps with what I call “healthy detachment” – which is the ability to consistently recognize that we are not our thoughts – that our thoughts are products of our mind that often deceive us, because we automatically believe and trust our thoughts. For example, when something bad happens in someone’s life and that person starts having thoughts that his or her life doesn’t matter anymore, then he or she is conditioned to trust those thoughts and then choose destructive behaviors.
Initially, when beginning to learn and practice this process of developing mindfulness, which entails a new way of perceiving one’s thoughts and the world. To start challenging our destructive thoughts, this often involves the support of a therapist or another form of healthy support to assist you in being able to recognize and challenge the unhelpful thoughts and help you avoid getting too absorbed into your interpretations, or worse, prevent you from resorting to turning to unhealthy behaviors to cope. Eventually, we can learn to figuratively not add more dirt onto the dirt that life gives us.
So how do you be more mindful?
4 L’s: Look, Listen, Label, Let it Be
Look: write down or verbalize the facts of the situation (no interpretations, just like a picture or neutral news article – just and only the facts)
Listen: what is your mind saying about the situation, what are your thoughts, what are your interpretations
Label: Label your thoughts as thoughts, perhaps do some categorizing to determine which thoughts that you have are helpful or unhelpful – regardless of whether they are true or not (remember that something can be true but unhealthy). Highlight, circle or focus on the thoughts that are both factual and helpful if you can.
Let it be: What can you change about your situation? What can’t you change? Let the things you can’t control (the aspects of the situation, the thoughts, anything out of your control) just be. You can also sometimes use the term “Let it go.” However, keep in mind that “letting things go” doesn’t necessarily mean trying to get rid of something, but instead, could mean to accept what is unchangeable and find ways to respond in the healthiest way possible..
Allow me to explain a way to grasp mindfulness using a common example. Have you ever been at a movie theater, watching a movie that really grips you? You sit in the theater and you are so engrossed in the movie that you experience emotions and reactions as if you are actually inside of/or as if you have a part in the movie, and then you experience what is happening as if it is happening to you personally – maybe your heart is racing, you are sweating, you are on the edge of your seat. Next, something happens to change your perspective and puts you “back” in your seat. Maybe someone in your row walks down the aisle, or someone in the theater coughs, or maybe it’s just realizing and reminding yourself that it is only a movie theater that you are sitting in. When you are able to step back and realize that it’s not “me” that is in the movie, “I’m just the observer” – that is similar to mindfulness. We have the capacity to step back and be an observer to our thoughts, actions, and the actions of others.
It’s kind of exciting when you recognize that you are not your thoughts. When you can recognize that you don’t have to take in all your thoughts as 100 percent factual – recognizing that your interpretations may not be the the absolute and only way to see things. Could this be a form of detachment? Yes, but it is a form of healthy detachment because you control it. You develop the ability to occasionally “step out” to observe your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way when needed.
There has been so much written about changing your thoughts. What I am mentioning here is not really that. Has cognitive therapy or changing thoughts helped people? Yes, of course it has. I have been critical of the philosophy of pop positive psychology and the trends of many books and motivational speakers who tell people, “Well, just change your thoughts to positive ones!”, and I have several reasons for being critical of this. The biggest reason: because it is easier said than done. Another reason (and there have been some good research studies that show this): is that it is not always necessary to try to change a thought to an alternative thought, as it can be sufficient, and probably have more of an impact, for you to change your relationship to your thoughts – to develop the ability to not buy into every thought. Having said that, a healthy byproduct of mindfulness (being able to have healthy detachment and see thoughts as thoughts), is that you develop other alternative thoughts and perspectives that are more productive or healthy to your well-being or others. That is the ultimate reward, but not the immediate goal, which instead, is developing and cultivating mindfulness.
Changing one’s own thoughts kind of reminds me of when therapists would talk about “stopping thoughts”. How in the heck do you stop a thought? Instead, why not let thoughts come and let them go. Why not learn to recognize that you also don’t have to act on every thought?
From a mindfulness perspective, one can learn to distance oneself from the thoughts – to see them as being helpful or unhelpful and let the unhelpful ones not get in the way – but it is not always necessary to try to stop, stomp out, or replace the unhelpful thought. I think it is similar to, taking a hypothetical example: if you were at a friend or family member’s house and they had on a political news network and the commentator on their TV was stating things that you disagreed with – just because you hear these things, doesn’t mean you have to agree, or act in ways that go against how you believe. Similarly, our mind can be like a critic that we have learned to listen to and agree with, even though we don’t have to. Our mind is our 24 hour a day critic and news commentator that is built into our brain. We can learn to only pay attention to it when it offers information that is helpful.
Another aspect of mindfulness is cultivating the ability to be fully in the present moment – to take in that which is enjoyable and beneficial to us. Even during times that we may be engaged in activities (work, driving, etc.).
We spend too much time stressing, depressing, avoiding, self-destructing, and not enough time enjoying.
Try practicing the four L’s: Look, Listen, Label, and Let it be (or let it go).