When I did groups for those patients who were in a detox unit at a hospital in the Kansas City area, one of my group topics was to discuss how it is more beneficial to focus on where one wants to go, instead of focusing on what you want to avoid. This post is a good complement to my previous posts.
I would put this little exercise before my groups:
I have a fun little challenge for you, right now. Are you ready? Okay, don’t think about ice cream. Can you do it? Don’t think about anything that has to do with ice cream. I bet most of you really struggled not thinking about or picturing ice cream. Now, if I said picture yourself eating a salad instead of ice cream, you may have a much easier time.
Why? You mind struggles with the “not” part of thinking about something. If you were told by a doctor that you can’t have chocolate or sweets, what are you going to start thinking about? Similarly, for those who are dieting and trying to focus on “well I can’t eat that or that or that” will struggle more than those focused on what they can eat and better yet – how they will look or feel if he or she doesn’t slip back into the old routine.
You want to focus forward on where you want to go, instead of focusing on where you don’t want to go or what you want to avoid.
For those who have driven a vehicle on icy or in slippery road conditions, or for those who have snow skied before, what should you do when you are about to slide into a tree? What do you not want to look at: the Tree. Instead, you want to look where you want to go not where you don’t, which is away from the object that you may collide with.
When you’re trying to change, focus on what you want to happen
I used to tell my wife before she left for work, “don’t get in a car accident”. When I learned more that focusing on “not do’s can mess things up, at some point, I changed to a more forward focused statement, and for many years now, instead of telling her not to get into an accident, I say “Call me or text me when you get to work”. See the difference. If the weather is bad, I may even say “drive carefully”.
I began doing this exercise about 35 years ago (or more) asking patients in group not to think about a yellow jeep. Then in later years of being a therapist, I switched it from a yellow jeep to ice cream. There was something interesting that I noticed – not during these groups, but afterwards – sometimes many years later. Whenever, I would run into former patents in public, they would often tell me how great they were doing and how much I had helped them. Whenever I would ask for specific things that I said that were helpful, these former patients were often vague or had trouble remembering anything specific that I said. Given that, just for fun, I would often ask these former patients, “Okay, tell me something I told you not to think about?” Immediately, the former client who was asked this question, would either say a yellow jeep or ice cream (depending on how long ago they had been a patient). It’s kind of funny how patients’ memories were specific in remembering what I told them to not remember.
As part of our growth process, we often focus on living in the moment and trying to take in the wonder, joy and even the lessons hidden in pain. We can wonder through life, handling whatever it is that life gives us. While your wander, instead of focusing on what not to think about and what you shouldn’t do, try to instead keep an eye open to where you want to go.